Asexuality & Demisexuality – What It Really Means

Not everyone experiences sexual attraction – and that is not a disorder but an orientation. Asexuality describes people who feel little or no sexual attraction to others. Demisexual people only feel it once a close emotional bond has grown. Here you will learn what the terms mean, how attraction and libido differ, and why a gentle sex toy is part of life for some asexual people – and not for others.

🧭 What asexuality means

Asexual (or “ace”) people rarely or never experience sexual attraction to others. That says nothing about whether someone has relationships, enjoys closeness, falls in love or has sex. Asexuality is not celibacy either: celibacy is a choice, asexuality describes a feeling. And it is not a phase that “the right person” will end.

How many people are asexual is hard to say. A frequently cited British analysis by psychologist Anthony Bogaert from 2004 arrived at around one percent of respondents. The figure is old and depends heavily on how the question is asked.

🌈 The ace spectrum: more than either-or

Between asexual and allosexual – the term for people who regularly feel sexual attraction – lies a wide field. The community therefore speaks of the ace spectrum:

• 🔹 Asexual: little or no sexual attraction.
• 🔹 Graysexual: attraction is rare, faint or only occurs under certain circumstances.
• 🔹 Demisexual: attraction only develops after a deep emotional bond, never at first sight.
• 🔹 Aromantic: little or no romantic attraction – a separate axis that may or may not coincide with asexuality.

Many people distinguish between sexual and romantic orientation. An asexual person can be hetero-, homo-, bi- or panromantic: fall in love, want a partnership, cuddle, get married. Only the sexual desire towards others is missing or weak.

💞 Demisexuality: closeness first, attraction second

Demisexual people do not find strangers or celebrities sexually attractive, even if they consider them objectively beautiful. Attraction only develops once trust and closeness have grown. That is different from deciding not to sleep together on a first date: that would be a choice. With demisexuality, the attraction simply is not there beforehand.

🔍 Attraction, libido and behaviour – three different things

Term	What it describes	Example
Sexual attraction	desire directed at a specific person	“I want to have sex with this person.”
Libido	physical desire, even without anyone else	arousal, wanting to masturbate
Behaviour	what someone actually does	sex in a relationship, solo sex or none of it

Many asexual people have a libido and masturbate without it being directed at another person. Others have little desire and miss nothing. All of this is normal within the spectrum.

🩺 Asexuality is not a loss of libido

The difference lies in the experience. People who used to feel desire and lose it often suffer from it – stress, hormones, medication or an illness may be behind it, as we explain in our articles on loss of libido and on medication and libido. Asexual people, by contrast, usually experience their feelings as coherent; what weighs on them is more often pressure from outside. The DSM-5 diagnostic manual takes this into account: if someone identifies as asexual, a lack of desire is not diagnosed as a disorder.

If something has changed for you and you are suffering from it, talk to a doctor or a sex therapist. This article does not replace a visit to the doctor.

🗣️ Relationships with different levels of desire

If one person is asexual and the other is not, honest and specific conversations matter most: which kinds of closeness feel good – cuddling, massages, falling asleep together? What is neutral, what is a clear no? How to talk about wishes and boundaries is covered in our article on communication in bed.

Nobody owes another person sex, and nobody has to play down their own desire. Both needs are legitimate.

✨ Solo sex and sex toys on the ace spectrum

If you are on the ace spectrum and enjoy solo sex, you can simply follow what feels good – without pressure to perform. Why masturbation is simply part of life is explained in a separate article. Uncomplicated toys are often a good fit:

• 🌊 The Wave lay-on vibrator by Romp lies flat in your hand and is placed on the outside – no insertion, no precise aiming.
• 🥚 The Selkie Mini vibrating egg is the smallest egg in its range and is operated by wireless remote.
• 🎛️ With the Alsan vibrating egg, the cable doubles as the retrieval cord – there is no wireless connection to drop out.

You will find more choice among the lay-on vibrators and the sex toys for beginners. None of it is a must: if you do not feel like solo sex, you are not missing anything.

❓ Frequently asked questions

🤔 Can you be asexual and still have sex?

Yes. Asexuality describes a lack of sexual attraction, not a behaviour. Some asexual people have sex, for example out of affection for their partner, others do not. What matters is that it happens voluntarily.

💭 How do I know whether I am demisexual?

One sign is that people only attract you sexually after you have known each other long and well – and strangers never do. An online test cannot decide this.

🔄 Can these feelings change over a lifetime?

For some people they shift over the years, for others they stay the same. The only important thing is that nobody expects or demands a change from outside.

🏳️ Is asexuality part of LGBTQ+?

Yes, the “A” in LGBTQIA+ stands for asexual and aromantic. You can find more about queer diversity in our LGBTQ+ guide.

✅ Conclusion

Asexuality and demisexuality are orientations, not deficits. Keeping attraction, desire and behaviour apart shows how many forms of closeness there are. Whether you want toys, cuddles or peace and quiet: your own feelings are the measure, not other people's expectations.

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